Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…