Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.