I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Dolls on drugs
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page