Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Childbirth is so beautiful
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
inside you are two wolves
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily