If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.