Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
They’re really bad with fonts.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.