Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
You Might Also Like
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me