me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?