What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
#dnd #ttrpg
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
WHO DID THIS?