Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Choose your fighter
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.