Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
This classic never gets old . . .
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.