showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You Might Also Like
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”