My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*