When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.