I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.