“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
You Might Also Like
😍😂🥰😂😍
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Krampus.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing