one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Planet of the Apps.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?