If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.