And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
You Might Also Like
So creative 😂
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.