[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.