My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn鈥檛 have insurance. I鈥檝e decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he鈥檚 about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT鈥橲 NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it鈥檚 a mild fish.
Me: so it鈥檚 mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she鈥檚 always like this.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Avoid the horror of watching your children鈥檚 nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I鈥檇 hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
When my kids don鈥檛 feel well: You should drink water.
When I don鈥檛 feel well: I should eat chips.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
my idea of a perfect crime? I鈥檒l show you
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”