Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real