[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔