The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!