I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
You Might Also Like
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??