My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Damn what did I do next
Girl, same.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.