Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…