Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.