Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
smartest karate player in the world
Finally, a door that understands me
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now