“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
All excellent questions
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.