just pretend nothing happened
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing