HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁