My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”