Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or