Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*