”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
So glad we cleared that up
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally