me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
incredible book dedication
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.