Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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happy valentine’s day to me
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too