PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
bout dat hot dog summer
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.