Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂