Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
What
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.