Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅