Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”