I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Does this dress make me look cat?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster