My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I wish I could veto my bills.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.