11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
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learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5