Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Would you wear it?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.