Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
worst…sale…ever