Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”