David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
you will never know the true number of layers
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.